Author: Therebythegrace

I had a series of bad coffee dates, men were not who they represented themselves to be. Photos were 10 years old 25 pounds less.

I had tried Eharmony and canceled a date before going because I knew based on our conversation that we were not compatible.

I had seen 7 photos of him. He looked attractive. He asked what I wanted to eat. I said I loved sushi & seafood. He chose a restaurant near his home and then felt it necessary to tell me what car he drove like I gave a shit 💩 as well as that he had a full head of hair. I had seen all his photos. I mean are these men operating with all their brains cells?

We had planned to meet in a week and the next day I woke up and realized I didn’t want to waste either of our time as I felt him to be insecure. So I texted him and canceled politely. He called and demanded an explanation. He had as he informed me made a reservation after all. Oh dear God.

Then I ran across a man on one of of the sites who was looking for a unicorn. If you haven’t seen the you tube of the crazy matrix unicorn look it up. It’s so good!!

We started a conversation and when I told him what I was looking for he of course offered to be my in between guy. So generous of him 🤣. As he was recently separated. He was handsome & to be honest I wasn’t certain what I wanted or was capable of yet. So we agreed to meet.

Sex was fantastic in the beginning because he had been deprived for so long and he wasn’t worried yet. When we are not in our heads and let go completely there is a wonderful mind body and soul connection. Then I made the mistake of saying I can’t do physical without emotional and sex changed. He got in his head a little. Sex wasn’t terrible. However it wasn’t as incredible as it had been in the beginning.

We saw each other once in a while, however he had a great deal of resistance to a relationship or consistency. I would hear from him now & again or I would text him.

The last time I saw him he had finalized his divorce and he had gotten in a relationship. She was out of town. He met me after signing the documents. We were still very attracted to each other. However he isn’t capable of making me his priority. And he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend while she was out of town.

In spite of all the evenings the dinners the conversations and the history, 3 1/2 years of history he really doesn’t have the character the depth of character that I would’ve hoped he had.

It’s so interesting we knew so much about the other, intimate details about our marriages and children yet we never had more then a couple over nights with each other.

I would go out and date & if my ego was bruised I would also call him. My theory has always been to get over one get under another. He was a great one to get under. I have to admit I was pretty disappointed when he changed the rules and got a girlfriend.

I will miss Teddy 🐻

Match.com

It’s like Christmas to have all these men to choose from it’s so exciting I spent weeks looking through all these men and found a gorgeous man that lived in San Francisco and started chatting with him, of course I was on vacation so we didn’t speak we were only emailing.

I was very naïve and didn’t know what to look for ‘yet’ ! When I returned from vacation, he was supposed to come down and take me to dinner. He disappeared, this was my first experience of being catfished. I guess you can say he didn’t get any money and it was so exciting to feel alive again.

My next online dating site was Plenty of Fish

This is where I met a real doozy. He was French and acted humble and sweet and I was not ready to date. My mother had just died I had just left my 13 year marriage and my oldest daughter had refused to live with me and refused to see me so I was suffering three great losses I was in no position to date but in my pain and loss I wanted so much to be loved and to connect.

I share these not as excuses but as explanations as to my inability to see the writing on the wall and not being aware of the bad choices I was making. My pain blinded me.

I began dating this man who seemed nice & as time went on I discovered that he needed a lot of help & he had a lot of secrets.

The problem with beginning relationships is you have to be honest & open. I am. He was deceitful & hid his darkness. It took me longer to unwind the relationship then it did to get in it.

He was a very scary and toxic man in fact I have been to the courts, the police, & had him 5150ed because he tried to take his own life in my home.

This was one of the scariest things to witness with my children sleeping in the home.

I learned a great deal about our legal system & how to take care of myself.

This was many years ago. I took some time understandably I was a bit shell shocked.

Reason season or lifetime

So if I’m to be brutally honest and I’m always honest. He was great in bed. I had been sexually repressed in my marriage & this crazy man really was my first adult sexual relationship.

So I left my 13 year marriage because it was not working. We were sleeping in separate rooms and I had become very dependent on my very wonderful loving boyfriend ‘the rabbit’.

The divorce was respectful. We used a mediator and other them the spinner he started dating and moved into our home that I half owned a month after I moved out everything was generally amicable.

I was in no condition to date so I told a friend of mine I just wanted to get laid. Considering my husband and I hadn’t slept together in over five years. She connected me with a friend of hers that she thought would do the job. He called & invited me over he cooked me dinner and of course rocked my world afterwards. It was nice to be ravaged and to not have the pretenses and all the bullshit as when you’re young. I was very honest with him saying I want nothing I have nothing to offer this is all I want. As luck would have it I became this man’s drug of choice. Little did I know that he of course had just gotten out of the Betty Ford and he fought harder to keep me then my ex-husband had. It was flattering yet I had nothing to give.

I tell this story not to make light of his feelings or to be insensitive but to recognize I was in no position to be out there taking care of my selfish needs. As I look back and think about that poor man and how he had no idea what he was getting into.

I realize we all just want connection and love but sometimes when we enter into something and we haven’t finished healing from our past traumas or last relationships. What we discover at the detriment of others is  we’re are not capable of anything, perhaps It’s better to do our healing alone.

I have learned each time what I want and don’t want in a relationship. I also have learned so much about myself.

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